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Tuesday, October 9th, 2001
11:57 pm - Making the Pieces Fit

When it comes to issues of love, scattered pieces of the puzzle only bring a temporary fix; momentary entertainment of speckled images. Its when you find how two pieces connect, intertwine, and bond together like two peas in a pod to create that larger picture that love is worth building.

I have been trying to figure out how to build that puzzle. I think I have learned a few very important rules:

First, you must start with the straight lines of casualty, trust, and boundaries in order to establish foundations. Second, you can never force two shapes to collide even if by force you can make them fit out of your own convenience. And finally, even when two pieces fit you must ask whether or not their flow of imagery contribute or bring you closer to completing the puzzle.

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12:08 am - Livin' the Life

Humor has this great way of acting like a band-aid to heal and cover the scraps, burns, and cuts of life's mishaps. It helps us to see the upside and finds the funny bone even in the most difficult situations. There are two kinds of funnies that we all stumble upon and that is: ironic humor and spontaneous humor. The ironic humor in our daily blundering just helps us accept our own imperfections and reminds us that chaos actually has a clockwork system making life tick. Then there is the kind of spontaneous humor that erupts and best of all....makes us laugh! What better feeling exist then to laugh? Well, maybe a friend there to laugh with or to at least give you a hug while your laughter turns into hysterical tears. Like that never happens eh? Tee hee hee:)

This a week that just keeps on giving...OKAY, YOU CAN STOP NOW! I lost my job last Monday night with no prior warning, my carburetor finally gave out Saturday night, and I just found out today that my former owner was so eager to make excuses for her failing business to the mall management that she blamed her financial burden (and inability to pay the rent) on her employees by saying that for the last few months there has been missing receipts and money. I think the funniest part of this is that the only time there was missing money at the cart is when her own daughter was working....humf!

I am trying not to ask the infamous question of
"why?" because you learn that most of the time there really is no answer or maybe you just do not want to face the reasons that lead up to your bad luck. Maybe we should ask "how" instead in order to seek understanding, gain insight on the mysteries of the universe, and finally (and most importantly) learn from your fucking mistakes! THERE! How many times do we hear that? I suppose a better question is how many times do we listen?

I think what has me most ticked for the week is that I am now behind on school and THAT is just not acceptable nor is there any reason to sabotage the very aspects of my life that mean so much to me.

To end this on a brighter note, here is my list of things to do for this week:

1) Find a job. I have two offers that look good and all I need to do now is finalize the paper work.

2) Take the extra time that has been graced upon me and catch up and tie up some loose ends.

3) Spend some time with Alex by taking her on her daily walks around the neighborhood since I am now without a car.

4) What I need most this week and everyday is: Forgiveness, Devotion, Awareness, Focus, and Patience.

What a fool I am for complaining. I am just a small person within a small context of life with small burdens. Never will it compare nor be outweighed by the mass universe of struggles, violence, suffrage, impoverishment, and revolutionary paradigms. There is always a bigger picture to judge and take wonder upon.

I meant to put a little more humor into this entry for that was my opener and not have my writing evolve into a solemn plea for humanity, a weekly affirmation, or a bitch rant of complaining...guess I kinda got off track. Whoops! Ha.....Ha?!?!?

current mood: lethargic

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Saturday, October 6th, 2001
11:51 pm - CrossRoads

current mood: hopeful

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Friday, August 31st, 2001
11:58 pm - Temporary Permanence

I think I will stick to Henna...

It has been awhile since I have written
on here or even been on-line except to check the mail that I never seem
to find the time to reply to. My latest excuse was the fact that I have
not been able to send outgoing mail for the past two months since I
changed over ISP's. Now that little nuisance is fixed...no more excuses
must start typing the thoughts away or passing them along.

I am on the border-line of feeling burnt
out and have been doing my best to keep those healthy releases flowing
and keeping outlets open for me to enjoy. Not too much exploring nor
no journeys taken as of lately to the land of egoism and insecurities.
Instead I have been spending time reconnecting and bonding to friends
and those others that are close yet sometimes feel so far away. I have
also been getting things in order, saying farewell to pieces from the
past, and claiming what possessions and memories I would like to carry
with me.

I never knew 15yrs of school work, 10 years
of bills and receipts, and 5 years of clothing I never wear would be
so tedious, frustrating, and sad to throw away.... :O)~ SERIOUSLY! *sniffle*
Rearranging, recreating, releasing, reconstructing, replenishing...yeah,
that's pretty much it. School starts Tuesday and I am pretty excited
about starting. Will be more to write or more appropiately, more time
to write and catch up soon.

current mood: exhausted

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Saturday, August 4th, 2001
1:51 am - Unleash Me
Let the fire within me never be tamed by holy waters of inhibition nor be chastised by the serpents of fear...

current mood: Thirsty

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Monday, July 30th, 2001
12:59 am - Merry Go Round and Ahh...Round

So another cycle is coming upon us...the season of fall is right around the corner with its beautiful auburn colors slowly taking over the muted greens of summer. For me the ancient tune of "School days, School days...dear ol' golden rule days" rings a bell but this semester will be much different then any other for it is finally my LAST...YEEPEE!!!. So not only will I be graciously humming the tune of "reading, writing, and arithmetic" but also reflecting upon my achievements and also of course my setbacks. I think I will grow another two full inches with the 21 credits I am now registered for and also the determination I have growing inside of me to KICK MAJOR BUDDHA LUSCIOUS ASS for my final performance as a undergraduate. I am so excited and really just cannot wait to get this started. But now I wonder how I am going to feel once it is all over...most definitely a little scared, a little sad, and maybe just a tiddie bit relieved. I think fear will be the majority as I am now taking a tiny turn on the yellow brick road that I have become so comfortable with. Just when you think you know where you are going, where those short cuts are, and how to give directions to those who are only just beginning....it changes on you, or do you change...CHICKEN EGG CHICKEN

I also have my move to Seattle at the end of December which the very thought of it gives me chills and has kept me up many of nights lately. So close yet far enough away that I really cannot make the preparations necessary which I think is what is driving me up the wall the most. Gee whiz Batman...a major move across the country and all I can really do now is NOTHING but wait. Wait to see whether or not I will be accepted into AmeriCorps, wait to see what room I can rent for cheap, wait to see how I am going to move all my things, and wait to decide what I shall take. Hmm, do you think it is economically rational to move my queen size bed across country? Futon comes to mind in this age of convenience cheap luxury where being uncomfortable is more fashionable and more efficient:( And what about my poor Alex...do I make the selfish decision of taking her with me and parting her away from my grandfather and her routines, her familiar smells, her home? Is her home with her "mommy" or is her place with my grandfather so he is not terribly lonely? Do I take everything away from my grandfather that is important to him? Is this what "spreading your wings" entails?

On a side note here is a little excerpt on a annoyance of mine. As I am sitting here typing, I just realize that I only have one more ciggie left and it is now 12:43am. Do I run to the store or do I remain a good girl, a healthy human being...and forget about smoking for the rest of the night? This is not the first time that this has happened, and I hate to admit...but I usually give in to the Marlboro Man and make that run to 7-11 at 1:00am only to be greeted by the friendly Persian man who also knows my addiction so well that he has my junk laid out on the counter all set for me to purchase as soon as he sees my car pull in. I just now complained my little situation to a friend on-line who replied," No, have a carrot instead"...how phallic!!!!! *Giggles*

Alrighty superheroes and villians...it is time for us people who are just in-between to say nighty night.

current mood: nerdy

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Thursday, July 19th, 2001
3:23 am - Now I Can Sleep!
I really must stop this compulsive behavior that takes over when I decide to redesign my website. I just get so overwhelmed in the project and try to get everything done in as much time as time allots! I have been going non-stop with this revamp every night for the past week til very early hours in the morning. Furthermore, I really am not sure why at this point I even bother updating the site except for my own amusement and pride. I must admit that I do get quite excited to see how much my work has grown let alone just the principle of accomplishment which makes any ego dance in blissful delight:)

It is really late and I can now lay my head down on my soft pillow and relax off to dreamland where everything is the way it should be and things that are not torment my mind as I contemplate how to solve all or make everything disappear with a wink of an eye.

current mood: accomplished

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Tuesday, July 10th, 2001
10:11 pm - Metabolife, Nicotine, Creativity, Productivity, and Insomniac STEW!

Though my hopes of one day saving the world is
always lingering in the back of my mind, I have made use of my energy instead
with getting things in order at work, getting in shape, and yes, updating my

I have finally been able to get things together
to present my EyeCandy page that has been in the works (and is not yet complete)
for about 4mths now. I hate procrastinating, but it is just so hard for me to
push my creative frontiers since they are mostly barricaded in the here and

Anywho, the bolt of lightning urge usually happens
in the absurd hours of the night lasting throughout a few days until I run myself

I am now...dry as a bone.

For those of you who are interested in seeing my
tinkers, here be the address: Eye

I must sleep now


current mood: exhausted

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Sunday, July 8th, 2001
8:03 pm - Endless

Run Love Run

To an endless valley to roam
and explore

Run Love Run

To the realm with no boundaries
nor dimensions

Run Love Run

To a pllace filled only with

Run Love Run

To where there is an end
of ends and no expectations

Fly Butterfly....Fly

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12:40 am - The Box
Standing still on its own bearings
Aged wood worn and used
Smooth surface, straight lines
Small and sturdy it still lies

Scars interwoven for a immacuate design
Each carve signifies a place once was
Possibility of what is
Mazes of dreams yet uknown


current mood: energetic

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Tuesday, June 26th, 2001
3:06 am - AH HA! It's the Hormones Oh Dear Watson...
So my "Friend" named "Dot" came to "Visit" disguised as "My Aunt Flo" wearing nothing more then some cotton panties and a bloated tum tum, clotting and prancing around asking anyone if they would like to indulge in a "Bloody Mary" and be awarded some "Red Wings".

This indeed explains the restless nights, hot flashes, and yes, the emotional roller coaster.....WHEEEEEEEEE. I am starting to realize that PMS just gets worse and longer as we age...oi vay! I am picturing that infamous 1930-40's classic feministic picture of the woman flexing her arm muscle very proudly saying, "We Can Do It" or something like that...

Oh Calgon...what ever happened to those delightful commercials anyway?

current mood: dirty

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Monday, June 25th, 2001
10:45 pm
It happened earlier tonight, my uncle is no longer suffering and fear has hopefully succumbed to peacefulness.
My grandfather told me tonight when I got home from work and I just could not grasp how to react...I knew how I was suppose to react but I just could not react! I just got Alex's food and took it upstairs and here I am a few hours later still within a state of non-emotional blahness.
I had just spoke with my cousin earlier in the day and she pleaded and begged that it would be over soon and it now it finally has. Neither of us could rationalize how quickly this all occurred and how it was like a non-stop nightmare of watching someone gasp for every ounce of air while every ounce of life was taken away. It's over...
My little cousin has been so courageous through all of this like a proud little soldier...not a tear. I just want to hold him and tell him it is okay to cry...

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10:45 am - Seatbelts Can Save Lives
So, got up bright and early to take a run at the park and to do some sun worshiping before I had to go to work this afternoon. The day started with not being able to find my sneakers and had to settle for my ol' pair of K-Swiss which then changed my running to a brisk walk instead.
Right as I am making a left on to Park Blvd, that is when I saw him and immediately knew that there was no way to escape the unavoidable. What was he doing there this early and why was he just sitting there....to catch me darn it! Thank the heavens that I at least had my seatbelt on though that really did not help the situation that was lurking ahead. As I am looking down at my speedometer (like we all do when we know we are guilty) I see his lights go on and I knew I was screwed. And worse yet, I knew with the hair pulled back in a bun, the droopy sleepy eyes of just waking up, and the stained tank-top with cut off ol' sweat pants were not going to be all that charming to get my butt out of this one (hey, you must use your assets wisely....am I actually admitting this?).
As I parked off the side of the road, I was consumed with smoke pouring out of my hood and a officer looking at my expired inspection sticker and shaking his head in disbelief. OKAY, so not only am I going to get a 123.00 ticket, but now my car decides to overheat. After the paperwork was complete and apologies for doing one's duty were forgiven, I was then offered a ride home. "How sweet", I thought as the embarrassment of on looker's eyes peered down at me and the reality of how in debt I am slapped me silly.
On a good note...at least he was a real cutie with a nice smile :)

current mood: crappy

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1:36 am - You Were Talking Like the End of the World
These periods of adjustment are rapidly bombarding my senses more frequently at a speed, that at times, becomes just too much to bear. I am not happy and the state of content is just turning my life into a system of routines with no motivation to escape. I have confined myself into a box with no key hole to peer out of let alone a key to set myself free. RENEW THYSELF....but how? I feel like all the pieces are in place but I just cannot figure out how these parts function as a whole....completeness is what I am striving for but am starting to feel as though I am meant for an abstract world of disillusioned visions and settling for what comes close to my desires.

Have to stop living this carbon-copy. Kinda ironic how the more I feel as though I am on track of what I want, the more fear and insecurity hold me back. Must break this cycle before permanence sets in and what I could of done settles in as lost hope. Have to change my roles in life as a member of a family, a friend, and as a part of this society. Have to take these thoughts off myself, it is driving me to insanity. This distraught ness is taking me away from what gives me strength or more appropriately....happiness. Need efficiency and not just answers that never get applied.




You are turning into nothing more but a over-opinionated, selfish, controlling bitch that will suffer in your own misery that you created and not the happiness that is all around you. Please put me right side in by turning me inside out.

current mood: crushed

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Sunday, June 24th, 2001
1:52 am - Intervention
Tomorrow it will be time to say farewell and pray that the journey will not be one of pain.

Denial disguised as hope...I am sorry.

current mood: apathetic

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Wednesday, June 20th, 2001
12:32 am - Deep Thoughts
Take that leap before you know where to fall...for your spirit and purpose will always be the ground you stand firmly on.

current mood: bouncy

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Monday, June 18th, 2001
10:50 pm - A Prayer for Fighting Souls
My uncle has been in the hospital for the past week and it appears as though his health is only declining. He was diagnosed with cancer last winter due to a tumor in his leg. He underwent radiation treatment after they removed the tumor but refused to follow up with chemotherapy to suppress any other potential cancer cells.
In recent months he has lost his desire to eat and finally became so weak, his doctor advised that he should be admitted to the hospital. During this past week they have been running one test per day to find the culprit of my uncle's ill. He was confronted yesterday by the sad news that he has tumors throughout his entire body. They have only removed one so far that was located on his spleen, but now must proceed to the liver and also to the one behind his lungs which has forced him to be unable to breath on his own since it is blocking the flow of oxygen. Not sure about whether or not these tumors are cancerous...there are just so many "I do not know's" that I have just decided not to ask but just listen.
I am going up there tomorrow for the first time. I am told he is on heavy medication cooped up in intensive care and probably will not realize I am even present which might be just as well....he needs his rest for strength. I am not sure how I feel, of course my heart aches to see anyone in pain...especially people you hold so dear with love. My aunt and my cousin seem to be already going through a mild form of grief and mourning over my uncle's tragedy and regression. Their preparation from despair is understandable but has made their hopes also be clouded. I see in their eyes that they feel as though death is approaching...how can you not live, be faced, and deal with that realization?
I am not going there tomorrow to say good-bye, nor am I prepared to start grieving for a man who is still fighting and who also has no concrete diagnosis. I am there to visit and to bring my love and support. And along with my family, I will keep praying that he will see this through.

current mood: hopeful

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Thursday, June 7th, 2001
12:46 am - A Friendly Reminder
Okay, this entry is strictly a reminder to myself on what I would like to discuss when I get a chance to think through my thoughts about these issues. But I give them to you now to sit, discuss, and reflect upon (I am such a dork):

I am in the midst of reading a book entitled The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav, which examines and hopefully teaches one about the evolution that he claims is taking place within our civilization, and more specifically within ourselves. It is a process in which we, as humans, are taking small steps of growth to become what he considers "multi-sensory beings". One of the topics discussed is Karma and how we should use it practically within our every day lives. Okay, there is your little background...now, here is what I am concerned about or contemplating:

Karma should not be a concept of morale nor judgement but be only used as a tool to balance energy within the Universe. When we caste judgment (whether good or bad) we are only generating more negative karma against ourselves.

My question here is, can we possibly not judge nor take responsibility or control over our environment? Can I look at a helpless being and not feel sympathetic to his/her circumstances and ask "WHY"?

Another thought for today is that I am truly blessed and thank the heavens that my life is somewhat in a manageable chaotic order so that I have the strength to be there for others who may need a little laugh, comfort, or just someone who will listen. That is my pot of gold...

current mood: grateful

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Tuesday, June 5th, 2001
5:57 pm - Lost
Reasons why people like myself should NOT take vacations:

1) Every ounce of productivity and routine that I have built upon my daily rituals are now lost. I have turned into such a lazy bug...ugh!

2) Since I have been home I have not even had the strength to UNPACK!!!

3) My days have been wasting away sleeping until 3:00 and then wondering how the hell my day went by so quickly...can you say LOSER?

4) Um...MONEY! Do not go back to work until tomorrow which at this point I am not sure whether to be eagerly anticipating my come back or feel even worse that I am still working at the mall.

5) I have packed on an additional 10lbs of food, beer, and inactivity.

Okay, enough!!!!! Suppose I am happy to be back home just need a little time to adjust. My dog is now eating healthy and my grandfather now has wash to do...lol. I really missed my friends and have been spending the last two days catching up with their woes, delights, and the trivial gossip of who is doing what and what has never changed. Tonight I am going out with two buds to check out a new tea house that opened up in Philly...not really looking forward to it (this is what I am talking about, not being fucking ecstatic about going to a place where I can read and drink tea...something is not freakin' right here) but I know it is something I need to do.

scatta tat tat
toot toot ta la loo

current mood: indifferent

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Sunday, May 13th, 2001
2:41 pm - Hmm
Been ever so behind on my entries as of lately....is the desire to expose, release, or interpret my thoughts through this medium dwindled into something I find useless?????

Nah...just think I need time to focus and get things back to a state of balanced order.

Seattle was great...still dancing in the flashes of memories as though I was still living them.

Will write more soon...

current mood: giddy

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